Actually, if I'm honest it started last night- sweet toddler burning off her last shreds of steam, encircling me like a cracked out squirrel around a tree, whilst I stared into my exhaustion, waiting for a very late working daddy to relieve me from the endless hours of playtime I'd just endured at the hands of the dreaded No-Napper.
And here's the mandatory mom-guilt induced disclaimer: I adore her. She makes me laugh.She brings me the craziest most satisfying joy MOST days. And I rarely find myself here. Which is exactly why I felt this intense need to pause, parse it out, process...
What is this feeling? How did it get me? How do I make it stop?
Because suddenly I couldn't see her. It didn't matter that she's been the most tangible joy in my life for the last two years. It didn't matter that this is my calling and my challenge and my gift for this season. All I could think was:
"I just can't. Not one more princess song. Not one more hour of drawing 500 million chalk rainbows. Not one more walk to the same place to do the same things. For goodness sake, NOT ONE MORE PRINCESS SONG."
All I could see were the things I wanted to do that I wouldn't be able to do, the in-the-way-ness, the inconvenience. Talk about a joy killer.
Suddenly she wasn't my Sadie, she was a 2 year old.
And I was 24 years above her.
She was in my way.
And the distance between us felt unreachable.
And then I felt The Lord's reach.
Just like that. The weight of The Creator reaching for me.
The Holy One who makes stars dance and planets spin, who builds babies in mothers' bodies while they sleep and go about their business, the One in whose presence even angels tremble and hide their faces.
This One, "He came not to be served, but to serve others, and to give His life as a ransom for many." (Matt 20:28)
This God, the One who made the stars - He speaks with me.
The One who's forming my child in my body as I sit here - if in Person with me, He'd be scrubbing my feet.
The One who makes heavenly beings knock their knees in awe - He spent three decades breathing in dust just to take a death sentence on my behalf.
This God, the very best Daddy, whose glory is unfathomable and indescribable, is also absolutely without a doubt HOLY (meaning "completely other" - nothing at all like me) in that He's done awe-some, incredible, mysterious, things to make sure He isn't unapproachable... to reach us, to be with us (Emmanuel).
And He does it every day, in still quiet whispers designed to touch my heart, inspire my affections, move my feet. He is personal. Relational. Beautiful.
And in the light of His mercy, under the weight of this kind of Love, 24 years does not feel that far.
"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." (Phil 2:1-11)