Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Bearing with the Very Small

Sweet Sadie has been here almost two months, and I am still kind of skimming the surface of what this new life as a mommy means for me, sometimes embracing it. But mostly shooing away the change, and making it through each day as if tomorrow I will wake up and have what I now refer to as “freedom” again. 

What I mean is, I’m stalling. 

I’m hanging out with the baby bean and dealing with her belly gas frustrations, her hiccups, her hunger pangs, her over-tiredness (like all day everyday) moment by moment, but never really stepping back into what was my life with her in tow. I don’t know that that’s wrong because she’s super needy right now and I don’t want to exasperate the tiny one, but I imagined this part of her life so differently. I thought we’d be out shopping together and I’d look down at her little smiley face from time to time and be refreshed by her existence, not plum tired from the sheer number of minutes passing by as she gets increasingly more tired and more inconsolable. Not bouncing and burping and soothing and holding and nursing until “holy crap the sun is setting” and I haven’t even brushed my teeth. 

Weird how expectations can ruin a thing. Almost. And then there’s the women who have gone before me standing in the sidelines full of mushy memories of how glorious this time was with their own sweet babies now grown and not so squishy cute. Really?! 

The truth is I am enjoying her, but I am also so eager to get back to normal life that I am spending so much of my day frustrated with my lack of progress- when really, the progress is in the baby in front of me. She is getting plump and learning to laugh and what it means to love, just because I hang out with her all day and try to comfort her and figure her out. 

I need to remember that it’s the being with her that is the best work I could be doing with this day, with this moment. 

Glued to the sofa for the umpteenth time this week just so she’ll FINALLY take a full two hour nap, I am pleading with God to make these truths more real to me than the urge to go about my life. Because yeah it’s true that one day she’ll be big and I’ll miss being able to hold her yada yada… but really- one day, she’ll be big. And something will be different in that big person because when she was a little person her mom conceded to her pleas to sit and suckle for hours on end, and tried to love her (tried!) through all the unpleasant gas bubbles, and every un-restful day she had. 

There’s something to just being with a person, even a very small person, that really can change things. That’s why the King of the Universe stoops low each morning to bring us brand new mercies, to hear our complaints, and to be with us in our frustrations and failures. That’s what Love looks like. He’s present with the very small.


  1. This is excellent. Moving, real, beautiful stuff. When you're not TOO tired to write, do it. Often. It's superb.

    Emmanuel. God WITH us.
    Sadienujo. Jo WITH Sadie.
    Or something like that =P

    Love you. ash

  2. Hi Jolynn, this is beautiful, honest, and so true. I especially loved the part where you said, She is getting plump and learning to laugh and what it means to love, just because I hang out with her all day and try to comfort her and figure her out. You are doing a very important job. Her intelligence is being developed but even more so - her sense of security. But it is not easy...and sometimes feels like such a sacrifice. I remember being so frustrated when I had to get up at night with my babies. I would check the clock and fume inside that I was losing so much sleep. Some wise woman told me, turn the clock around. Don't even look at it. That really helped me to accept the situation and deal with it in a better way. Adjusting to caring for your baby is huge. But God is doing a wonderful work in her heart, mind and body through the love and care you are giving her. Good job, Mom! Keep it up. I am saying a prayer for you.
    Blessings, Carrie

    1. hey Jolynn! Love your blog. Like your friend above said, do NOT ever look at the time. It serves no purpose but to make you go crazy. I know exactly how you feel, I think every new mom does. I couldn't wait for Eli to get older and now he's 8 1/2 months old! After 3 months that's when it got better for me. I went out more, went for longer walks I felt more like my own person. Nursing gets easier too (way easier). In the beginning you're there for that baby and that's it, it feels like you're a milk machine;). But slowly it gets easier and then you really start to enjoy it all. Just really try to enjoy ever moment, because everyday they get a little older and change. I look forward to reading your blog. I like how honest you are about it, it's exactly how I felt and I think most people even if they don't say it. Love you, Lena