I should DEFINITELY not be sitting down right now and writing this. My house is a flippin swampy nasty heck hole of a mess, the child is finally resting after a hellacious morning of nonsensical grumpiness (sometimes try as I might I just don't understand her), and pretty much all I have to show for the last 3 hours of my life is that I'm wearing real people clothes now, my teeth are clean, and the hair is up.
I'm totally uncomfortable with everything about this morning. The mess. The baby's unexplained howling. Her continued pulling on my shirt to get to my chest as if I'm a 24 hr. all-you-can-eat-buffet. The sticky blotches of unknown nastiness on the kitchen floor that have been haunting me for weeks...
Oh how I could fill this page with complaint upon complaint.
I'm uncomfortable with the MESS. I want to embrace it, I really do. To make friends with the grubby handprints, and needy little baby arms that now take up my world, gobbling up my freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want to do it.
I want to be free ANYWAY. I'm called to be free anyway.
I hear His sweet knowing Voice deep beneath my whiny grumblings...
"It's for freedom's sake I have set you free! Stand therefore my girl, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." (Gal 5:1 - my version)
And so I'm sitting, and I'm writing. This gift that I never seem to find the time to use. I'm doing it because as a mom I do this weird thing in my head now where I'm like What would I want Babygirl to do? Would I want her to spend all her moments busy with the things she has to do? Or would I want her to take a breath and MAKE time to do the things that she loves to do, only because she loves to do them? Because I'm her Mama and she's my Girl, my greatest hope for her is that she'd live the fullest life she can- days topped off with joy and rest and hope.
So yes, I still haven't the faintest idea when the floor will be clean, how long this unpredictable baby will sleep or what mood she'll be in when she wakes. I am totally and completely inadequate today (technically speaking) because I just cannot physically accomplish all of these "have to's" nagging at my heart, hacking away at my peace of mind.
But my inadequacy to complete this insane to-do list I've concocted for myself does not and it will not own me.
Because I am His girl now. And My Abba has set me free for freedom's sake. He delights in my joy. Labored here on Earth so that I could enter His rest any moment I choose, and He eggs me on to plant my hope not in the checking off of a list, but in the LIVING of my life.