So today was an AWESOME day. In fact, today AND yesterday were both awesome days with the munchkin. I know, I should probably keep it down because she’s likely to hear me, laugh a very naughty diabolical sort of baby laugh, and start to pull out the crazy on me. But really she has been so freakin’ sweet and cute I can hardly stand it!! Like who would have ever thought I’d be looking forward to (what’s been recently dubbed) “snuggly morning time” with the nutty little peanut, who insists that at 7 am (and apparently 6:15 this morning) her bassinet is henceforth completely unacceptable, and thus she must sleep not just with me, but ON me? I know, totally weird. These last two days she has been absolutely hilarious! Like her little personality just broke through the one-track-mind neediness that is infancy, so now I’ve got this cute tiny person to share my day with. And to top it off it’s been like magical no-humidity gorgeous heavenly perfection outside (that’s right all of those lovely adjectives at the very same time.) Can’t you just feel the uncanny level of cheeriness going on over here? I seriously wish I could just bottle up these last couple of days and hit repeat on them until the end of time.
And what’s totally weird is that things haven’t been perfect or even easy. Babygirl’s been teething and so she’s having a hard time nursing, which has meant lots of popping off the boob to wail at the sky in a very melodramatic sort of way, or just kind of looking at me with this horribly pathetic pout like “why mom, why?!”- teething is just plain unfair.
So then what was so good about it? (I mean other than her extreme level of cuteness, and the insanely perfect weather). For one thing, getting something done, ANYTHING other than sitting and holding the baby, nursing the baby, pacing with the baby, rocking the baby, standing whilst nursing the baby… anything else is a huge exciting accomplishment that totally cheers me up, and I have done real live things that needed doing a few times this week!!
But what’s really been different is that (by the miraculous grace of a very good God), I actually let myself off the hook. Shock of all shocks!
When I stop walking around like all of the Babybean’s happiness is completely dependent on me, I actually enjoy pieces of my day- which translates into having a “good” day.
When I stop looking at her like she’s a very inconvenient non-formulaic little nutball that makes every single plan I have go to pot the second her little eyes pop open, I actually enjoy her. And weirdly enough, when I’m free to enjoy her, I actually get something done along the way.
In a weird (word of the day I guess) sort of round-about way I feel like it all has to do with forgiveness.
If I can just forgive myself for not being able to keep the child from all pain and unpleasantness than I enjoy being with her.
If I can forgive the munchkin for being unpleasant at various points during the day and thus making me feel bad about myself as a mom, then I can enjoy being with her.
Yes, my perfectionism IS showing.
We’re together, her and I, permanently assigned to this crazy new mama/baby relationship that is totally foreign to both of us, and like all relationships, intrinsically messy. But relationship is good. Some days hellish, some days cheery, but always good. And even better when it's bathed in GRACE. Here's hoping I remember that tomorrow!