Saturday, September 15, 2012

My Baby's Daddy

Maybe it’s that we just spent a whole weekend loving on our dear friends as they tied the knot, or maybe it’s that it’s fall again, but I feel like I have to write a shout-out post to the incredibly handsome guy who got me into this mess- my husband. This time last year I had finally exhausted every logical (and not so logical) argument- begging, pleading, guilting, and generally manipulating this boy who I totally love to get me pregnant! I said CRAZY things- things that a sane healthy adult would never say. I cried. A LOT. Because, as I tried to explain to my sweet husband, there was this person that I didn’t even know yet that I was aching to know, like a very real deep sick to my stomach sort of ache. How could he keep me from meeting this person?! From making this life?! Poor poor Matt. He was reasoning with pure madness. I was restless and desperate and hardly lucid: I had contracted a serious case of baby fever. Sounds absurd, but until it gets you, you have no idea how very tangibly it seems to infect your heart, complete with green-ooziness, and a very morbid sounding prognosis.

Not only did he willingly come home to my unpredictable emotional state every day, but he was patient and gentle and he didn’t even tell me that I was a complete whacko. He listened to me over and over again as I tried the same crazy rationalizations, the same selfish strategies, to get what I wanted (what I NEEDED!!) from him. The boy also gets major cool points because he didn’t let me wear him down. He kept loving me, even when I was mad at him and throwing a temper tantrum. He kept praying for me and with me about it, even though it was super weird because he was also telling me no.

So it was this time last year, as I was railing on my husband about how he was coming between me and a call that God placed on my life to be a mom (yeah, I fought pretty dirty), that God dealt with me, and my selfishness and my confusion. I had wrongly assumed that since God had given me this desire, He would fill it IMMEDIATELY, and I was mad at Matt and even God when I didn’t get what I wanted, when I wanted it. After about nine months of striving with Matt and with God, I said uncle. And in very gracious, “I totally deserve the opposite of this” God fashion, He let my sweet husband who had been praying and loving me and working with me in the midst of my insanity finally come to a place where he was really honestly ready to be a dad.

And now that he is our Sadie’s dad, he blows my mind like a million times a day. This is going to sound like an exaggeration, but having him with me in labor and those first two weeks at home with the baby, there were times he was so giving and selfless and just plain awesome that I literally would feel like I couldn’t be in better hands if Jesus himself were in the room (that would sound a bit sacrilegious, if you didn’t know that it was Jesus being reflected in my wonderful husband, because seriously there was no way he could have loved both his ladies that perfectly and beautifully all on his own). I remember being completely delirious after an all-night feeding frenzy, completely overwhelmed by this tiny new person who was so dependent on me, and he would be so kind in the way he served me or talked with me that I would be totally stunned, and think how in the world did this wonderful, handsome, loving man of God end up choosing someone like me?! and forever no less! Totally unbelievable.

The craziest piece of this awesome gift is that it’s not like he didn’t know what he was getting into. Matt got a front-row seat to my ridiculous over-dramatic teenage version in all of its embarrassing glory, and he never chose to bail. It’s crazy to think that there was a time when he was just a guy in my freshman computer class that I really liked, who happened to be incredibly gorgeous and pretty into me too. 

And now he is the one person I would trust with my life, the single safest place in my world, and the perfect ending to a really bad day. Feeling crazy blessed to be his wife today.

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